A recent letter

​I suffer from Depression on a good day and PTSD and anxiety on a bad day.  I can feel my heart go up, breathing go shallow, a kind of fever warm, but shivering at the same time.  I, on a bad day, will wake up agitated.  Not necessarily angry externally but more towards me.  I am feeling like I am a failure and worthless.  I feel like Microcurrent isn’t the answer for me or anyone else.     I feel like I have let my friends and family down by being in their lives.  I question my ability to raise my child.  I question why someone would befriend me.  Like what do I have to offer that is different than the same old routine.  I question if Kevin will love me, the real me, the wholly broken me.  I am held together but the case has been dropped too many times to not have some cracks.  I do all I can to not spin out in the cycles.  I question my worthiness in life, with friends, my child, and my husband.  I   am embarrassed to admit how often these thoughts still come to me.  They used to be much more dark and suicidal.  I wanted to hurt myself the same way I had been hurt by my family.  I have drunk more than I should.  I have smoked cigarettes for too many years.  I have done different drugs.  Nothing has removed the cracks in my soul.  When I fall I feel Julie screaming at me.  I hear her telling me I’m worthless and not to try anymore.  My own mother does not give me peace.  Quite the opposite.  She makes me upset and panicked all in one.  She did not raise me with love and acceptance, because of this I struggle to love and accept myself.  Which then in turn makes it hard to accept love or be present in a relationship of any kind.  People will get too close and then it is how can I react to push them away.  I haven’t held an actual JOB for 8 years.  When we decided to have V I said I don’t think I can work and carry a child.  I also did not want to send her to daycare.  So at home I stayed.  When people say it drives you nuts I know what they mean now. It took 8 years to get it.  Being home has allowed amazing things for myself, my husband and my child.  It has also brought much despair for me mentally.  I can sit for hours thinking of how awful I am.  I can also dream about how wonderful I am for my family and friends.  For the world.  I am important, brilliant and beautiful in my own ways.  I am important to my family.  I am loving and caring.  I can’t see these things in the middle of a shame cycle.  Sometimes its daily, or monthly but in the moments of panic it feels like I get by in the seconds and minutes.  24 hours is too much to think about.  In the moments of panic they feel so heavy that they are days of times in just moments.  I sometimes question how to get to the next moment.  I get to them by breathing.  I diffuse oils.  I hook up the micro current.  I sleep it off, like a hangover.  I pray that there will not be another shame cycle.  I meditate.  I picture waves washing me and the sand resettleing in me to the new me, as the waves wash back out.  I focus on something that is near me.  I check and recheck that all is order in the house.  I do not go to store and buy the instruments of hurt when in a shame cycle.  The instruments sometimes are guns but sometimes just steel pipes or baseball bats.  I wake thinking that my family or someone else is out side with guns or other tools.  I need to I must have protection.  I don’t really believe I need a gun or protection but in the middle of a panic attack it certainly calms me to think of being able to protect myself and my family.